THAT’S THE POWER OF THONGS
Runner-up: Funniest Story
Padeesha’s dark tan skin reflected her Pakistani heritage, and her flawless, athletic body was an obvious gift from the goddess Venus. As she stood on the beach, her eyes gazing across the beach, she knew that her thong bikini had a hypnotic effect on every man there, entrancing any man with a working sex organ to do her bidding.
“Excuse me, miss,” said a nearby voice. “I want to leave my girlfriend for you.”
“Get lost, loser,” Padeesha told him.
Dejected, Brad Pitt slunk back to his comparatively plain-looking girlfriend.
But Padeesha knew that her thong could only work its magic when a man was completely focused on her. That’s why she scowled when she saw her target with another woman.
The stud-muffin Millard stood on the dock, loading scuba gear onto his boat, while the lovely blonde Morgana assisted him. Padeesha knew she could win Millard, but he and Morgana had been virtually inseparable since they met.
As Padeesha fumed in silence, Morgana picked up her scuba outfit and headed for the ladies’ room, presumably to change outfits. Padeesha grinned evilly, a plan forming in her villainous mind.
Morgana had just squeezed into her scuba suit when the door to her stall crashed open. Startled, she barely had time to react before the bottom of an air tank clocked her across the forehead.
Pressing her element of surprise, Padeesha thrust the semi-conscious Morgana onto the toilet seat. Then she pushed the hose of the air tank into Morgana’s mouth.
Morgana’s eyes merely fluttered as her cheeks puffed out from the forced intake of air. Moments later, her entire scuba suit stretched out, becoming tighter around her form. She was getting plumper and plumper, bulging out in all directions.
Padeesha just smiled as the air did its job, filling out her victim into an increasingly rounder shape. By the time Morgana had blinked herself back to consciousness, she found she couldn’t move, and the walls were pressing against her. She wanted to ask Padeesha a million questions–some involving the laws of physics, but basically it boiled down to “why?”–but she couldn’t even move her puffy lips.
Her tight scuba suit continued to bulge out everywhere, stretching like a second latex skin, until–CRASH! The walls of cubicle gave out and collapsed.
“Shoulda used the handicapped stall,” Padeesha mused.
After two empty tanks, Morgana was now as round as a black, shiny ball. Padeesha finally decided to call it a day. With immense effort, she shoved the over-filled Morgana out the door, the occasional squeak being Morgana’s only form of protest.
“Now to dispose of the evidence,” Padeesha thought aloud–which was perhaps her most annoying trait, though Morgana would most likely argue that point.
“Lady, that’s the funniest beach ball I ever saw!”
Padeesha looked down to see a young boy, pointing at the round Morgana. “Yes, a beach ball,” she agreed. She looked into Morgana’s pleading eyes, then back at the boy. “Knock yourself out.” She tossed Morgana into the boy’s waiting arms.
The boy began bouncing Morgana hard onto the sidewalk. Morgana winced as she struck the ground and then sailed back into the air. The boy seemed to take her resilience as a challenge, and he bounced her harder. Harder. Harder! She went higher and higher into the air, each time wondering if her fragile skin would give way.
Suddenly, she saw herself heading back down to the ground–and saw the sun reflecting off a shiny piece of glass.
Keep our beaches clean!, she thought, just before–
Padeesha barely broke stride when she heard the explosion. She sashayed toward the dock where the waiting Millard looked at his watch. Oh, sure, he’d wonder why Morgana ditched him. But soon he wouldn’t care, once he got a good look at Padeesha’s thong.