Prose That Blows

Dirigi-Belle’s Debut

DIRIGI-BELLE’S DEBUT

An odd object floated gently over the city, drifting lazily on the warm summer breeze. At a glance, anyone on the ground would’ve thought it was a weather balloon, but when the object caught the moon’s light at just the right angle, they would see that it was silvery as opposed to the white of any conventional weather balloon. But anyone who spotted it would’ve been too far away to notice that the balloon was oddly dimpled in five separate places and was connected to what looked like two more silver balloons sitting side by side. What no one would’ve thought was that this balloon was about to change the city in a completely unexpected way.

*

Standing on top of a rooftop and examining the contents of the suitcase she had stolen, the jewel thief known as the Elastic Acrobat grinned as her investigation revealed a plethora of rare gems. A former circus performer, the buxom, leather-clad acrobat was known for being able to fly through the air and squeeze her way through the narrowest gaps. She had been giving the local police department a run for their money as she stole from jewelry store after jewelry store. No one could stop her.

“Beats working for peanuts back in the big top,” she said to herself, grinning as she examined a large ruby in her leather-gloved hand. She was about to place the ruby back in the suitcase when she heard something, a sound like a balloon deflating. She snapped the case closed and looked around the rooftop. The only hiding place was the concrete box that housed the stairwell.

Moving ever so carefully, the Elastic Acrobat made her way over to the structure, pressing her back against the wall, the heat from the day seeping through the concrete and warming her round backside. With one last breath, she leapt up and over the stairwell, landing in a low combat stance on the other side, ready to strike and finding no one at all. She stood back up to her full height and was just about to return to her stolen gems when a pair of high heels came right down on top of her head.

The rogue circus performer suddenly found her face becoming well acquainted with the roof as someone stood on top of her. Before she could react, they leapt off of her and landed a short distance away. “Stay where you are villainess,” said a distinctly female voice. “Your days of evil-doing are over!”

The jewel thief pulled herself up, rage coursing through her veins. She turned in the direction the voice came from. “Do you know who I am you… dumb… bim-… bo,” her voice trailed off as she found herself staring at a long-haired brunette who stood a full head shorter than her. She was wearing a black eye-mask and a silver one-piece spandex outfit with the letters “DB” emblazoned across what were possibly the biggest boobs the Elastic Acrobat had ever seen. For a moment, she couldn’t think of anything to say. When she finally found her voice again, she managed to ask, “Who ARE you?”

The brunette smiled in return, planting her hands on her hips and pushing her enormous chest outwards. “I am the swollen savior, the helium heroine! I am DIRIGI-BELLE!” She craned her neck upwards so that the stars shone against her eyes.

For her part, the Elastic Acrobat lasted a whole five seconds before she started laughing uproariously, not believing what she was seeing and hearing. A balloon super hero? This was the funniest thing she had seen since the clowns had filled the ringmaster’s car with seltzer water.

Dirigi-Belle found her ire rising as the villainess openly laughed at her. She was still new to this and she would not stand to be mocked by a common jewel-thief! So while the Elastic Acrobat was busy laughing her head off, Dirigi-Belle moved at a speed much faster than a woman of her bust size could be expected to move and socked her in the jaw.

Caught completely off guard, the Elastic Acrobat staggered backwards, her eyes filling with hate as her sight came back into focus. She immediately pounced at the super heroine only to have the woman sidestep her and bring her fist down on top of the acrobat’s head. She hit the roof with a loud thud, felled by the surprisingly strong punch.

“Are you going to give up now,” Dirigi-Belle asked. “I have a date later tonight and I’d hate to be late.”

Something inside the former circus performer snapped at those words. Did she think this was a game? She lunged at the shorter woman, but the hero did something she never would have expected: she grabbed hold of the Elastic Acrobat and pulled their faces together, their lips meeting for what the villainess found to be the most enjoyable kiss she had ever had.

She was so lost in the pleasure of the kiss that she was caught off guard by a sudden hissing sound. It didn’t dawn on her what it could’ve been until she felt a tightness in her belly. It started out as an uncomfortably full feeling that quickly made itself more pronounced as she felt her usually toned tummy begin straining against the elastic material of her bodysuit. Her mind panicking, she tried to pull herself away from the perverse super hero, but the girl was stronger than she looked, keeping the villainess in place and their lips locked.

The Elastic Acrobat was suddenly finding out just how elastic she was as her tummy went through a fast forward pregnancy, her body and breasts soon joining in as her torso quickly rounded out. This couldn’t be happening! She was blowing up like a balloon! She began feeling light on her feet and to her surprise she actually felt her feet leave the ground. This couldn’t be! In the space of two minutes she had gone from the best thief in the city to a massive balloon woman with breasts the size of beachballs!

Dirigi-Belle finally broke the kiss, taking a piece of string out of some indiscernible place on her body, quickly fastening it to the bloated thief’s ankle and tying the other end to a nearby pipe. “There, that oughta hold you until the police arrive,” she said.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME,” yelled the Elastic Acrobat in an adorably high-pitched voice. “YOU’VE TURNED ME INTO A FAT BALLOON!”

Dirigi-Belle looked up at her with a smile. “It’s my power sweetie. I can generate helium wherever I like. In this case, inside of your body. And don’t worry hun. You’ll deflate in a few hours… after you’re locked in a cell of course. Ciao cutie.” Before the Elastic Acrobat could form a witty retort, Dirigi-Belle had vanished as silently as she had come.

*

The police eventually arrived, scratching their heads at the odd sight of the city’s most notorious jewel thief bobbing on the end of a string like a child’s balloon. Still, they were grateful to have her in custody. If they’d had a mind to, they could’ve looked higher up and given their thanks to a round silver balloon sailing through the sky and watching over them.

For the super heroine Dirigi-Belle, she was ready, willing, and inflatable.

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