Prose That Blows

Bloated Comics Issue #38: The Attack on Cheergirl!!

BLOATED COMICS ISSUE #38: THE ATTACK ON CHEERGIRL!!

Last time in Action-packed comics: the malevolent League of Bad People has taken over the city. A state declared martial law has been declared  to keep peace, order, civility, and all other things that people somehow believe exist under normal circumstances under the rule of law…but whatever. Heroes and villains, cops and criminals go all out on the streets. It is in these times of distress and uncertainty that certain heroes rise, when honor, hanging by a thread, pushes on to defeat evil!

However, such heroes are all pretty busy, so we will have to make do with copycats.

Enter: Cheergirl!

After months of carefully studying the moves and strengths of heroines like Super Woman, Joanna Lawson took the mantle of unwanted and annoying sidekick, Cheergirl. By stepping in where she wasn’t invited, many a villain escaped the claws of justice. Instantly earning the rage of her idols, Cheergirl, with her one-piece cheerleader outfit and pom-pom  nunchucks, saw no choice but to proof herself. Being obviously underpowered, the common female crime fighter fought the small timers that looted in the chaos. Of course, until things started escalating.

One day our heroine felt the ground quake, and loud kabooms filled her ears. One explosion caught her attention: Pick&Grab Bank & Trust was under attack! Bracing herself for action, Cheergirl remembered she had no fancy cape to glide between buildings, so she just used the stairs and the elevator.

When she was on the street she started to notice big black dots all over the bright pavement. When she looked up, she gasped at what she saw!

Bloated people floating skyward!!!!

She deduced the only explanation for such a bizarre sight: this must be the work of the villainous, evil, malevolent, heartless and incredibly sexy Helium Woman!

The fiend was Super Woman’s most infamous foe, and beside her fear, Cheergirl knew this was the chance to prove herself to her idol: by delivering Helium Woman to the police on a silver plate, she would surely be up in the ranks of the city’s strongest!

As the pavement looked like a checkers board with the shadows of more people floating to their doom, Cheergirl ran as fast as she could. She saw deserted police cars and swat vans in front of the bank, as its facade was totally blown to bits.  Dozens of masked pawns loaded bags of cash to the back of a van. In the middle of the street, she saw something that stopped her in her tracks.

The villain was there, all clad in skin tight grey, a backpack and a slick black belt around her waist. In her hands she held a cylinder-like object from which protruded a thick black hose. More interesting and frightening to the young heroine was into what the hose was plugged. An enormous ball blotted out the sun in the middle of the street, with over stretched coat, shirt, pants and tie. Cheergirl thought that must be the police commissioner. The gigantic man produced ominous creaking sounds that grew loud and unbearable, until a thunderous shock and then silence.

“Load it up boys and girls! Its time to move!”, yelled the super villain.

It was time to strike.

Jumping from her hiding place and landing in style, Cheergirl signaled the villains to stop.

“Halt you fiend! This is my town”, she said heroically, but seriously, is there any other way to say such a that?

“Look what we got here. Some wannabe came to join our party”, said the villainess.

“If you think you can get away, you got another thing comin’”, replied the heroine.

Helium Woman and  held up her hands. With a soft clap, the working pawns stopped their loading of the stolen booty, and charged at Cheergirl.

Ass-whooping came easily to Cheergirl. A high kick here and there, a quick flurry of blows elsewhere, and the occasional throwing technique, Cheergirl made easy work of  the henchmen and henchwomen. The villainess only looked at the rookie hero with a grin, while she got closer and closer with her sultry step. Little round spheres covered one side of her slick belt, and the woman grabbed one of them as one of her henchmen dropped next to her thanks to a roundhouse kick by Cheergirl. At that moment, Helium Woman pressed on the little sphere, and jammed it into the goon’s mouth. Almost instantly, his face fwoomped obscenely, followed by the rest of his body becoming a bloated caricature. He started floating away as a female minion fell next to her as well. She took another sphere, depressed it, and jammed it into the woman’s mouth. She ballooned as if she were connected to a helium tank at full force.

One by one Cheergirl defeated every enemy, and one by one  Helium Woman bloated them up until they were all skyward bound.

“Silly girl, this job ain’t for kids”, said Helium Woman.

In cowboy style, Helium Woman disconnected  her helium tank from her backpack, and began spinning  the tank’s hose, until she finally tossed right into the mouth of Cheergirl. Instantly a hissing sound could be heard, followed by a creaking sound as the villainess twisted the valeve.

Caught completely off-guard, Cheergirl quickly threw her hands to the hose in her mouth, until she couldn’t move her arms. They stiffened and bloated, along with her legs as she took a starfish position. She was moaning wildly through the hose, not believing what was happening. She thought she could win this stand off, but it seemed she was in quite a pickle. A big, bloated, inflated  pickle.

Helium Woman giggled. “What’s the matter? Got way in over your head?”

Cheergirl expanded at an alarming rate. Her torso bloated up fiercely, as her extremities slowly became balloons in their own right. She kept on moaning, not prepared at all for this kind of thing. Her heart raced as the pressure kept building and building, stretching her body and outfit. Soon she looked overweight, and then fully inflated into a small parade float version of herself. Her lips, hands, and eyes were bloating along with the rest of her.

“You know…I think I’ll make an example out of you”, said the villainess, tapping her fingers noisily on the tank’s valve.

By now, Cheergirl’s clothes were popping at the seams. Her boots burst as her balloon feet broke through them, her one piece snapped as her belly, waist and breasts bloated to immense proportions, and her glover were snapping as her hands resembled inflated gloves. Each of her fingers inflated to the size of baseballs. The failed heroine floated upwards to the length of the hose at the mercy of Helium Woman. In one of the police radios nearby in one of the patrol cars, a call was made for all officers to retire from Downtown, as Super Woman had the villain outbreak in that area controlled. A glimmer of hope filled Cheergirl up…but she realized it was the helium.

“Well my balloon, too bad she will come too late to help you”, said the villainess.

Cheergirl could not stand any more air. She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t . She wanted and needed help, but she felt just about to go boom.

Will our heroine be saved at the last minute by Super Woman?

Just how much bigger can Cheergirl get?

Does Helium Woman have an inflation fetish?

Find out on the next issue of….. BOOOM!

Nevermind.

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